fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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