I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
