umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
