Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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