At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
