I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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