As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
