Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So much Jack, so little girl.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
