literally had 100 drinks last night.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize