if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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