Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i now understand why vodka
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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