I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
