Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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