i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
