do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
