Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
