I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
