so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
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