Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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