he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
