I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
