she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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