Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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