He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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