i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
