I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
