I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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