I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
