its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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