legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
