I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
