nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
