quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
