Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
