i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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