found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
