My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
