He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
