I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
