I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
