I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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