"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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