My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
