it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
