Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Floor bacon is actually really good
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
