rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
