Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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