Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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