i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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