i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
