no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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