Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
