Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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