You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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