I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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