I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
