I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
