You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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