Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish they made helmets for livers.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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