Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
