How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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