his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
