i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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